Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just got gas for $1.99! And no it wasn't at Taco Bell.

   Can't wait for my favorite holiday on February 15th known to single people as 50% off Valentine's Day Cake and Candy Day!

   the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.

   On my next geography test, I'm putting down Kansas City in in the state of Kansas.

   Why can't Mexican learn to speak our English language? I've learned to eat their food!

   So how does this work? Do we send our dollar bills to the NFL or do we pay JLo directly?

   Out of towners gonna think Miami is just a big bowl of Maduros

   Trick Daddy and Trina are not Super Bowl material. They are barely toilet bowl material.

   My TV got hacked at Superbowl halftime. I saw a Puerto Rican Strip Club on Spanish language channel, old crotch grabbin' hussies.

   I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my wife is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.

   I hope I'm still alive in 48 years so I can ask on 2/4/68 who do we appreciate?

   At last night’s town hall, Bernie Sanders said, "I’ve had good endurance my whole life." Then there was an awkward rebuttal by Mrs. Bernie Sanders.

   *At Super Bowl Party Sunday* Hey honey, they've got a WHOLE bunch of jumbo shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?

   My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.

   Iowa's voting app failed because it was too icy to climb up the telephone poles to vote.

   It's been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I'm going there in person tomorrow to see what's really going on.

   The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll

   The best things in life require no pants.

   Bees build homes with their mouths and defend with their butts. Spiders build homes with their butts and defend with their mouths.

   Can we just call the Chinese Corona Virus Kung Flu?