Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Moses walks down Mt. Sinai, tablets in hand, and assembles the Israelites. Moses announces, "I've got good and bad news. The good news is that I got Him down to 10." "What's the bad news?", a voice cries out. "Adultery is still in."

   Growing up as a kid, My family could never afford that fancy Burt's Bees cleansing comfort lotion, no sir,,, we made do with Herbert's Hornets lacerating pain venom.

   I'm paying my taxes with a smile, but they wrote me back saying they want cash.

   Look on the bright side, Joe Biden. Nelson Mandela didn't get elected president until after he'd served 27 years in prison.

   Need your help Friends.... I'm looking for sponsors to prove that money can't make me happy.....Please send generous donations so I can conduct my experiment!

   FUN FACT: If you take all of the marshmellows out of a box of Lucky Chrams, you'll have a bag of Purina Cat Chow

   My neighbors kid thinks I'm some kind of wizard because I can start a car by blowing in a tube.

   If you ask me, NASCAR would be much more entertaining if the drivers had as much to drink as the fans.

   Really feel bad for my neighbor.... He thought a vasectomy would keep his wife from getting pregnant but apparently it only changes the color of the baby.

   Yesterday was a great day. The mailman delivered to me a Three Dog Night cassette, which finally fulfills my Columbia House commitment.

   Overture, turn the lights! This is it. The night of nights. No more rehearsing and nursing a part. We know every part by heart! Overture, turn the lights! This is it. We'll hit the heights! And oh, what heights we'll hit! On with the show, this is it!

   Next time a telemarketer calls, hit 'em with an "I love you" right off the bat. Just keep saying it, no matter what they say..

   Look I'm not saying I'm old, but when I was young rainbows were black and white..

   Depression, is merely anger without enthusiasm

   Ambition, is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

   Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.

   Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination

   I'm in the mood for some Bat Foo Yung, Moo Goo Gai Bat and Bat Rangoon.

   If the coronavirus came from eating raw bats, then Ozzy Osbourne is patient zero.

   You know how well a friend's kitchen remodeling job came out when you can't find the garbage can.