Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm pretty sure my soulmate will come through that door. -Me, at KFC

   If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either

   I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village's water. Didn't go down well.

   My dog caught me petting another dog and now we have to start a couple's Facebook account.

   I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore

   Darn, I missed the Grammy awards show again, which makes like 10 years in a row now.

   My wife said she wants a divorce for valentines day. I wasn't planning to spend that much..

   I’ve never had a Popeyes chicken sandwich, but I do enjoyed a little Olive Oyl!

   ¡ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq I ǝɯᴉʇ ʇsɐl ǝɥʇ sᴉ sᴉɥʇ

   McDonalds …closing thigh gaps since 1967.

   Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone's been talking about.

   How girls put on their pants: *Left leg*, *Right leg*, '' Wiggle*, *Wiggle*, *twerk*, *Jump*, *Jump*, *Squat*, *Stretch* Done.

   Today January 68th or is it the 69th...

   Dilemma: Watching your mother inlaw driving towards a cliff in your brand new car.

   Tostitos is coming out with a limited-edition bag that actually doubles as a breathalyzer. Here's how it works: If you're breathing into a bag of Tostitos, you're probably drunk.

   I asked the lead singer of Hall & Oates to name one of his favorite bands. He said, "KISS is on my list."

   Half the world is made up of people with something to say but can't & the other half is made up of people with nothing to say but keep on saying it anyway.'

   90 percent of being married is shouting, "WHAT" from other rooms.

   Watching Friday the 13th. A load of awful make-up, on brain-dead zombies. Hang on Hang on..... Sorry, wrong channel that was "The View".

   A lion attacks a bull then eats him in just a few minutes. When he is done he lets out a loud roar. while he is roaring a hunter comes and shoots the lion killing him instantly. The moral of the story? When you are full of bull, keep your mouth shut