Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.

   INTERVIEWER: you put "whiskey" as a reference? ME: ope I thought it said preference

   Me: I've lost the dictionary Her: Can you look upstairs? Me: I can't look up anything

   When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica

   McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back

   Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings” What are you? A Ceiling Fan. Gave him all the candy.

   I like to ask people what their sign is and then read them a completely different sign's horoscope just to hear them say "that's so me!"

   Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.

   This hangover feels like the kids lunches are going to be a brown paper bag with a handful of change, and a note that says 'buy something'.

   If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.

   Marriage is like wine. It gets better with age. Also it makes you say things you regret.

   If you say "I'm fine" while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won't believe you but they will also leave you alone.

   : I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…

   I'm not saying you started that fire, Billy Joel; I'm just saying that innocent people don't write songs to defend themselves.

   It costs today's parents $235,000 to raise a child. And that's just for the alcohol.

   Our family motto is "Who took my phone charger?"

   NBC poll finds half the voters want Trump impeached. You mean the half that didn't vote for him?? Shocking...

   Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can't say you didn't see them.

   ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat. NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like? ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.

   Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight. I'm just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.