Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.

   I went to a gender reveal party yesterday and was immediately told to put my clothes back on...

   Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.

   Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower? All other inmates (in unison): No.

   Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.

   Look at me all out and about on a week night like some kind of rock star. Target Cashier: Credit or debit?

   Cardi B's music hits different when you turn it off

   there anything worse than getting interrupted during sex? Especially when you were about to achieve your big O.

   That’s not my fanny pack. That’s my stomach.

   Men are so weak this days. Girls gotta date like 3 guys to make a full man.

   Sure, I'll go to your no alcohol, vegetarian Halloween Party... I'll be coming as the invisible man.

   Death Star II: *explodes* Spirit Halloween: *opens a shop in the wreckage*

   Looking for a DJ for my dog and cat's upcoming wedding. No weirdos.

   Damn, I wish I had a structured settlement so I could get cash now!

   When I die I have 2 wishes. #1- Scatter my remains throughout DisneyWorld.... #2- I don’t wanna be cremated

   The sheep lives its whole life in fear of the wolf only to be eaten by the shepherd...

   My friend just told me that it takes three sheep to make just one wool sweater which I find amazing as I didn't even know that sheep knew how to nit.

   Like people who leave their Christmas decorations up all year I left my Halloween decorations up and saved a lot of work thanks to the spiders!

   Know why Trump doesn't wear glasses? He has 2020 vision.

   No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you're just going to toss and turn all night, it'll be confused.