Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've only been on Facebook new Dating for like 5 minutes and I've already been matched with a hammock, a new pillow top mattress, a Honda Civic and a... oh wait this is Facebook Marketplace

   I've only been on Facebooks new Dating for like 5 minutes and I've already been matched with a hammock, a new pillow top mattress, a Honda Civic and a... oh wait this is Facebook Marketplace

   I hire the best people! No one can accidentally butt-dial reporters like my people do!

   If at first you don't succeed, well then maybe skydiving isn't for you.

   You cant be a Nurse 4 Halloween n have STD's, pick something else, like a Prescription!!

   I bet the creators of The Brady Bunch had no idea how much impact they would have on the porn industry...

   Clitoris. They even made a whole movie about it - Finding Nimo

   When I drink I don't need a designated driver, I need a designated hide my phone person

   To the person who corrected my grammar online, I killed you’re whole family

   This Jesus is King album by Kanye West is the second worst thing to happen to Jesus.

   I'm at the World Series game and they showed Trump on the big screen. All I could hear was boos and "lock him up" chants, lol

   If you got haters . They means you are doing something right . World series

   There's been a major recall on Reeses Peanut Butter Cups. Bring them to my house so I can dispose of them properly.

   Sometimes it's best to keep things between you and your neighbors. Like a stockade fence.

   I don’t win marathons because I’m athletic, I win them because I’m driven

   Have you ever noticed that lOl looks like a man drowning?

   When I was a kid I used to have an imaginary friend then as an adult I had thousands of them, until I deleted my Facebook account.

   Those were not boos. They were alternative cheers.

   If you have 12 followers on Instagram, you’re unpopular. If you have 12 followers in real life, you’re the messiah.

   Oh, you have anxiety? Name 5 friends who secretly hate you.