Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   [Alien vs Predator] Alien: I can eat your face off Predator: I'm not allowed within 100 feet of a school

   Grading system for students in India: A - Average B - Below average C - Can't have dinner D - Don't come home F - Find a new family

   You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It's awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.

   : I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.

   I'm smart but not "know when to stop eating" smart.

   I like to write "made you look" on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.

   Give a man a fish and he'll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.

   *pulls out earbud* What? "We need to talk." *pulls out earbud* "You've been spending too much time at Chernobyl." *pulls out earbud* No way

   My sister used to date a guy who played professional hockey in Calgary. He's an old Flame.

   My math teacher called me average. How mean!

   Why did the Galaxy Karaoke phone fail? It always played the Samsung over and over again.

   Selling scotch during a prohibition is whiskey business.

   Took my phone to the men's room once-didn't realize I was streaming live..

   Every Final Destination movie ending: Death wins, everyone who survived the accident in the beginning, dies.

   What did Sushi-A say to Sushi-B? Wasabi.

   Nobody Ask you For More Favors Than.... The Cops! Hey Buddy Do Me A Favor.. #StepOutTheVehicle Do Me A Favor.. #TurnAroundFaceTheCar Do Me A Favor.. #PutYourHandsBehindUrBack

   Saw a great movie about fishing. reel good cast.

   When I die, please don’t do an autopsy. Whatever happened is fine.

   You know you're a classic VW owner if your friends always ask to borrow tools when you stop by because they know you're carrying them with you.

   That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp and kill a cat.