Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Shouldn't women have a girlnecologist?

   When is carotene going to get out of beta mode?

   how.... how do you get sold out... of having no mayo????

   The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.

   A haunted house that has a room where a bunch of women ask you "Notice anything different about my hair?"

   You know you're a VW bus owner if you are serious about your, "Honk if Anything Falls Off" bumper sticker and know how it prevents Tailgators.

   Don't hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it's organized according to expiration date.

   Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear... You're better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!

   [dinner date] Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird. Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}

   Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?

   When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I've entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.

   I don't really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.

   please stop calling that oatmeal raisin thing a cookie. it's a round granola bar.

   COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears

   People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges

   Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven't aged as well as you.

   Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I'm not exactly sure how to pick you up

   *Squats down to look for food in the refrigerator* Fitness.

   ME: [holding door for wife] WIFE: Why can't we just buy an umbrella?

   Kid... Me... Kid... Me... Kid... Me... Kid: You didn't sew the hole in my bunny Me.. Kid.. Me: It's 3:07am Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?