Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every time you yawn in October a ghost put his package in your mouth...

   Funny how the NBA players and coaches are quick to criticize the Prez but won't say anything negative about a Communist country that imprisons those who speak out...

   To the NBA post: what are you, stupid? NBA players criticized those communist countries all the time. What the hell is wrong with you?

   Today is the Navy's and Tiffany Trump's birthday. Guess which one Trump only acknowledged? The wrong answer is Tiffany.

   Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it's about a boy plagued by haunted dolls Date: Sounds good! Me: The cowboy one is called Woody

   Math professor: today we're doing geometry Me: *falls asleep* [20 years later] Occult leader: set up a pentagram of salt Me: a what now

   *lights cigarette Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.

   My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”. Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.

   Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most. Husband: No, it's because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.

   My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”

   Is the expression "One man's trash is another man's treasure?" I want this best man's speech to be perfect.

   Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance. Me: Thanks. I do yoga.

   Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is

   Why don't adult cereals come with prizes? A pill organizer Post it notes Vouchers for gas ...And so on.

   We are all grown men and women! Let us start acting like it, and stop believing in pathetic conspiracy theories!!!

   Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin. Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge? Witch: No, I’m making La Croix

   My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.

   So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.

   "I'm really good in bed" -Ice cream

   Co-worker: What's the difference between astronomy & astrology? Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.