Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   E-thugs. Because talking shiit in person is dangerous.

   What did I learn today? Red Bull does not give you wings...and I should be out of the hospital in two to three months.

   My foot has been in pain ever since I stepped on a box of breath mints. My doctor told me I have Tic-Tac toe.

   Woke up coughing this morning, I reckon I've got pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis but it's hard to say

   Archaeologists in Peru have discovered a 500 year old machine that allowed eggs to hatch. It was called an Incabator.

   She was just a moonshiner's daughter, but I love her still

   I hear there is a new scientific term for how mushrooms multiply. It's called a sporegasm.

   some of these jokes are funny some are corny, but it is sure better than hate that some of you idiots post

   It looks like Turkey did take Trump's economy threat seriously. Gee, what a surprise.

   Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle

   Me: *cutting fingernails* Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails

   Went to bed with a can of pringles, woke up and finished them. Always finish what you start.

   tag: “dry clean only” me: single-use garment? what a waste

   I don't know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.

   Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you've observed [On a date] Me: You're really good at eating

   Pro Tip: If you make a sex tape, make sure it plays Disney music in the background. That way, if it gets leaked online, Disney attorneys will have them all taken down.

   Ever notice that adding "after hours" or "after dark" to anything makes it sexy? Walmart after hours Walmart after dark Almost anything...

   You'd be surprised at how quick Lowe's employees help you after ignoring you for 20 minutes when you try to start a chainsaw...

   Just to be clear, since some people are so dense to understand this, we don't hate cops, we only hate the corrupted ones.

   A sure sign you need coffee is to wake up put water in the coffee maker and end up with a nice hot pot of water.