Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.

   Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures. I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.

   [costume party] friend: you're late me, dressed as a sloth: sorry

   When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”

   Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked

   Surprise her for breakfast by wearing nothing but a giant pancake. Not all heroes wear crepes.

   If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard

   Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.

   Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.

   When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don't accidentally kiss a dog.

   One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you're texting while driving.

   If all the Domino's employees in the world held hands, you'd have to make your own pizza.

   Feed your kids soup for dinner, so you can sit at the table for 47 minutes and listening to slurping.

   Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.

   Who called it Star Trek III - The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?

   "A mind is a terrible thing to waste." A zombie trying to convince his son to finish his dinner.

   If you're about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.

   I need everyone to reach into the bottoms of your hearts and send me all your love, good vibes and support at this time. Oh and don't worry nothing's wrong, In fact everything is going great! and just figure why wait to ask until things go wrong.

   What if I told you everything you see on Facebook is me.

   Why are there 400 bills just sitting on that turtle, McConnell's desk? Talk about do nothing.