Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You are busy telling someone’s daughter that you can’t breathe without her... Is your family aware that you are on life support?

   Imagine letting your crush copy your assignment and then she gets a 3 out of 100%. After how long wil you be able to propose to her?

   I will never insult my ex... That idiot was once my happiness!

   I've learned so much from my mistakes... I'm thinking of making a few more...

   I found my boss eating peanuts the other day and I shouted.... "Why are you eating my salary?" And surprisingly, we laughed together.... Then he fired me...!!

   MOM: Is your high school crush still doing fine?? ME: Hell no!! She went from elegant to elephant!!

   Chocolate comes from Cocoa, which is a tree. That makes it a plant. Chocolate is Salad!!

   When my girlfriend makes me angry... I look at her through the fork and pretend she's in jail. It heals me spiritually

   Life is too short to be serious all the time. So, if you cant laugh at yourself, call me...i'll laugh at you..!!!

   Gf: You've never even smiled at me since we started dating! Bf: I thought you said you wanted a serious relationship...

   Being in a long distance relationship is like saying, "I have an iPhone, but it's in USA"

   I may have done quite a number of bad things in my life... But never tagged 49 people just to get 9 likes

   Those who ignore my posts... may your crush fall in love with your best friend

   I know words. I have the best words. I just don't know how to spell them.

   Billy Joel's Friend: bill I hate that we've kept this from you, but.. we started the fire Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?

   The guy who keeps flooding the page with jokes has some really corny and unfunny jokes.

   keep up the good jokes. whoever you are. don't listen to that man behind the curtain

   concierge: the lift is broken sir I think your friend has taken the stairs me: when's he bringing them back?

   One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you're texting while driving.

   Me: *Eating eggs* Fertility Doctor: That's disgusting