Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you. In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.

   Throw away an avocado skin? In this economy? *makes avocado skin suits. *sells them on Etsy.

   Not having a sexx life has saved me a lot of money on razors.

   The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.

   Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years Me: My driving test went really badly

   "I'm so hungry I could eat a-" *walks by burger joint* "nope, had one yesterday" *walks by hot dog stand* "closer" *walks by stable* "HORSE"

   Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.

   [on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here

   Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon

   I hate to tell you "I told you so" but... no, actually I'm gonna tell you that till the day I die!

   If we make impeachment pay-per-view, we can clear the entire national debt.

   Mercury is in gatorade or whatever

   If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.

   My bear's diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he's getting better but he's not out of the woods yet.

   I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed "dust me" on my coffee table recently.

   Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a "who wants to sleep on the couch" contest.

   My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.

   Pretty cool that there's no law saying you can't name your kid Squidward if you want.

   "Real men like a woman with curves" - Fat Chicks

   My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.