Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I lost a pound so I’m rewarding myself with 8 pounds of Chinese food.

   When I found out that my neighbour is scared of dogs I bought one And I have never seen him since.

   The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don't know you.

   If a tree falls on your Ex in a forest and there is no one there to hear it you should still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.

   Darn I just realized I missed the Grammys again which now makes like 10 years in a row.

   Luckily "Smoking in the Boys Room" was released in 1973. If it was released today, it'd be called "Vaping in the Gender Neutral Area"

   The janitor at my gym sees me naked more often than my wife does. And he's a more attentive lover.

   Just because I've forgiven you doesn't mean I won't want to throat punch you the next time I see you. Thought you should know.

   Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.

   Me: This spaghetti is spicy. Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel

   "why do they have such a nice house?" -- my review of every movie

   I remember when social networking was something that happened in person. How awkward.

   Don't be sad when you find expired food in your pantry. Be happy you outlived it.

   If they give you a bib for lobster, they should definitely give you a diaper for Taco Bell food.

   Will I be able to drink with these? - First question when prescribed meds

   I'm never more optimistic than when I put fast food restaurant sauce packets in the fridge and think I'm going to use them at some point.

   I don't want to brag or make anybody jealous, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.

   Yes, Lets use the little blonde girl in braid ~Hitler~

   Climate control advise from a bar tender and a 16 year old with issues

   Greta brought to you by who eles used blonde hair girls with braids