Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you need me I'll always be stuck behind the person who doesn't know how to use the CVS self-checkout aisle.

   I just gave my secretary a baby shower. Well, a potential baby shower. If you know what I mean.

   It only took three years but I finally finished eating that box of taquitos from Costco.

   It's a little known fact that Elton John doesn't like iceberg lettuce, he's a rocket man.

   McDonald's doesn't offer its employees direct deposit. Who's the clown who made that decision??

   Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?

   genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous

   Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband's mouth while he sleeps bc -Let's get this over with -He can eat mine -I really miss Fear Factor

   Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.

   Does anyone know the cheat code to set life to easy mode?

   My phone autocorrected "gym" to "fun" so I threw it in the trash bc it's obviously broken.

   Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.

   Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.

   My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he's been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.

   Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport. They have a budget of $430,000...

   *me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, I also had a brutal leg day, I woke up again with legs

   I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.

   Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away. Uber Driver: Same, Girl.

   A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.

   trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here? me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training