Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "I'm going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt" -Men over 50.

   New rule at Subway: You must give the person in front of you a Wedgie if they take more than 20 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want. 2

   A taser but for people who say "it is what it is".

   I'm surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I've dropped and shattered my phone.

   Facebook birthday reminders are great as they help me realize I have absolutely no idea who this person is to unfriend.

   I got kicked out of the procrastinators club when I showed up for our first meeting..

   Remember when you were a kid and the TV set in your basement weighed 8,000 pounds?

   You know you're drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on

   Me: Is that a Yeti cooler? Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?

   I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.

   I bet other insects hate it when they ask a caterpillar how she became a butterfly, and she's all, "Just diet and exercise, guys!"

   All I'm saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don't we run more things on toilet power?

   In your face! They are now known as The Exonerated Five now. No matter what your God says, that will never change.

   My 8 year old daughter hasn't stopped talking in 32 years

   Mind blowing literary fact: all nonfiction books take place in the same shared universe.

   tinder but it’s cats. everyone makes their cat a profile. the swiping doesn’t matter. you just. Look at cats and their interests and then look at MORE CATS

   Ugh, I hate social media. (please validate this opinion via social media)

   Diarrhea is just confirming the fact that you make poor life decisions.

   I named my hard drive That Thang, so once a month my computer asks me if I want to Back That Thang Up.

   I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y'all know who's splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.