Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.

   My current wife doesn't like when I call her that

   Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say "Over there."

   Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.

   thank you for the funny jokes and tweets again.. ahhhhh

   Someone just caught me picking my nose at a stop light. Had to just cut my losses and run the red light.

   ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here! KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.

   I've been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I'm eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.

   Children are the future..... but probably not your children.

   Trump’s more of a basketball guy. Can’t get enough of the Spurs.

   Teacher: You failed your exam. Student: You failed to teach me.

   spotted six Pokémon today but I don't have the app so I may need new meds..

   Maybe the Mayan world-ending prediction in 2012 was more of a suggestion

   Did this many people have birthdays before Facebook?

   I'm not in a relation"ship," I'm in a relation"barge" that's towing emotional garbage all day long.

   @shanethevein It's not so much that I'm a KE$HA hater, its more of the fact that I'm a music lover.

   The fancier the design on the back pocket of the jeans, the less fancy the person.

   How about a really bad food court where planes land? – Pitch for every airport

   One crazy fantasy I have is having any energy to do things after work.

   I'm no scientist, but wouldnt fat bottomed girls, if anything, slow the rocking world down?