Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!

   I'm finished with online dating sites as women never look like their profile pictures, and I usually get stuck buying the drinks until they do.

   There's a difference between when a woman is furious and when she's irate. It's the difference between sleeping on the couch or in a casket.

   The thing about Stockholm Syndrome is you can't really remember what it's like to not have kids.

   If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.

   Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school? Me: no Therapist: no come on, they must have

   My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!

   I really don’t understand why my neighbors have to be outside when I’m outside.

   wouldn't it be nice if the past 2 1/2 years turn out to be an episode of Punk'd

   Dear Hollywood, If you want to make your zombie movies more realistic you need to stop creating zombies with scars unless you expect us to believe someone is stitching them up.

   The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.

   Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal

   Tell me your dreams and fantasies! Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.

   Copy and Paste this status if you think Spectrum needs to learn what a "Limited-time Offer" means and needs stop sending us never ending letters in the mail telling us that.

   Vaping doesn't kill people, people kills people.

   I just read a statistic that someone gets hit by a car every eight seconds. That guy must be hurtin', man.

   Guess who just bragged about what they did the day of September 11 and made it about them.

   ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.

   my roommate broke up with his girlfriend last night at a fancy restaurant and she started bawling.... everyone thought he proposed to her and started clapping.

   Once, just once, I'd like to be able to use the word skedaddling in an everyday conversation.