Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me when I was a kid but now they just whisper something stupid I did two months ago.

   I am worn out today.....My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.

   Let’s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.

   No magician can do a trick that impresses me as much as that ‘take off my bra' and make it appear out of my sleeve’ thing that my wife does.

   It hurts when someone you love says mean things to you like, "It's time to wake up and go to work."

   Single white sock seeks same.

   And the Terrible joke award goes to: An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

   An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

   In grade school it’s called bullying but when you get older it’s referred to as upper level management.

   My newly wed neighbor man asked me about marriage.... I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.

   Karma has no menu. You get served what you deserve.

   You never outgrow sleepovers, they just become coed.

   If the plan is “drink beer now, figure out life later” then yes, everything is going according to plan

   Has anybody ever actually gotten salmonella from eating raw cookie dough or are people just trying to stop me from living my life?

   US Open Woman's Tennis trophy. Made in the USA, now Canadian owned!

   Dorian just made landfall in Alabama and somehow made things better.

   Im sorry ladies, but life is not a fairy tale, and If you lose your shoe after midnight it means, well, you’re drunk.

   Give her flowers. Women love watching a slow death.

   I love my new phone that beeps and lights up every couple minutes to let me know it's battery needs charged before It uses up the last of its power to vibrate in a finely death quiver.

   I started a new drinking game. I drink a shot everytime Trump tells the truth. I've been sober for 2 years now.