Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it. I think about this a lot

   Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.

   horrifying if literal: the electric slide

   If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.

   Can't make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor's chicken coop.

   Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.

   I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I'm in Solitaire confinement.

   Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond* Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE

   My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.

   After further investigation, it was determined that Kevin Hart’s booster seat was not fastened correctly.

   If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you

   *adds 50lb of bird seed to cart* Acme online: people who buy this also buy - bird-feeder - giant mouse trap - jet-propelled pogo stick - painting fake tunnels for dummies -first aid kit - anvil

   It's all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he's driving a hearse.

   An elementary school teacher's most important job is to tell one kid per year they'll never amount to sh*t in order to spark their rap career

   I drove by two different First Baptist churches today. One of them is lying.

   Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?” Me, “Please...I have a family.”

   Don't you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?

   I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn't look like we're six days into battling a poltergeist.

   The waitress asked if I was done with that, I said yes but I'm married to it.

   I just helped my neighbor take an old rolled up carpet to the landfill. Her husband would have done it but he's out of town.