Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you're eating you can't get crumbs in your bra. Turtleneck con: see above.

   Drinking recklessly used to mean tequila until 4 am. Now its coffee after 5 pm.

   Psychos who stop at roundabouts when there’s no one coming; stop. I mean go.

   1900: Let's filter coffee. 1950: We need to filter cigarettes. 1970: We should really filter water. 2015: I want to filter my face.

   When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.

   *erases 1 and writes 0 on the 'days without incident' chart at Earl's Discount Stilts and Ceiling Fans*

   *at psychic reading* Psychic: you probably think you're wasting your time Me: Ooh you're good

   Me: Honey, have you seen my beer? Wife: Did you check in the shower? Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!

   I don't go on Facebook much so Dave, if you're seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year's party, hope you had fun dude.

   its never too late to go back to bed.

   Toilet Duck. Because nobody wants to be hit by a toilet.

   Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.

   My alarm clock is set to wake me up in the middle of the night so I can turn it off and sleep more.

   I wanted to be sarcastic then I realized that I don't really care.

   Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children. Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.

   [at a restaurant] Her: I’m going with meatloaf Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together

   If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge

   At my funeral, I'm stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.

   My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him "I love you so much that you're the 2nd most loved thing in my life." Aww, I thought, she's still mama's little girl. Then she finished her whisper with "But spaghetti is my favorite thing."

   Make the little things count. Teach midgets math