Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.

   Just once can we make someone regret inviting 10,000 people to their Facebook event.

   Ready to earn money staring at my screen all day so I can afford to go home & stare at my screen all night, repeating the process unto death

   are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked

   "This is the one I use for wiping" - Handshakes

   doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on me: probably since the summer of 2008

   Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive. Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.

   it too soon to give up on my New Year's Resolution?

   Saw a monarch butterfly today, what made it special is that it was the first time it wasn't stamped on top of a strippers caboose

   I'll sell my broken watch when the time is right.

   I'm willing to bet very few women would appreciate the humor of giving birth on Labor Day, ya know, at the time.

   Hey Victoria's Secret, I like to keep my wife's panty selection private so if your cashiers wouldn't hold them up like Simba when folding them, that'd be great.

   I'm glad it's college football season again, now we have an excuse to drink at 9:00 AM on a Saturday.

   I'll tell you what's wrong with modern society. Nobody ever drinks out of the skulls of their enemies anymore.

   What did Tonto say when the Lone Ranger got drunk and rambled on and on in one long sentence? “White man speak with Faulknered tongue.”

   The remote isn't working! And the TV's stuck on Food Network again! "Are you in the kitchen?" Yes. "Honey, that's the microwave."

   Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.

   Happy National discriminates against “Cat” Day!

   My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food in front of you. So I took her to Subway... and that's when the fight started...

   Does anyone else notice that if you mention the clown HEre they try to bury it?