Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.

   The most embarrassing part about farting myself awake was that it was the most interesting aspect of my PowerPoint presentation.

   have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn

   No one warned me that being an adult was mostly just hurrying up to get somewhere you don't want to go in the first place.

   I told Siri to use Bing instead of Google.. We both laughed.

   We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain

   I've been starting my diet tomorrow for the last 20 years.

   i signed up for the cheapest life insurance I could find, it entitles my family to a tray of Wendys hamburgers when I die

   Just discovered that I'm willing to drive 35mph over the speed limit to prevent a PT Cruiser from passing me.

   "How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?" "It's a really obscure number, you probably haven't heard of it."

   i saw a license plate yesterday that said 'i miss new york,' so I smashed their window and stole their radio

   Butter should re-name itself, "I Can't Believe It's Not Polysorbate 60, Soy Lecithin, Xanthan Gum and Other Artificial Flavors"

   The Internet is like alcohol, it gives people courage.

   My voicemail message is just me sighing for 20 minutes.

   othing is more frightening than accidentally making eye contact with a guy who runs a mall kiosk.

   I bought my kids electric toothbrushes because it was taking too long to splatter toothpaste all over the bathroom w/the regular toothbrush.

   Tech support just asked my grandpa what kind of phone he has & he seriously said "kind of grayish"

   Why didn't I think of nuking a hurricane?

   *Carefully measures exactly one serving of potato chips into bowl. *hands bowl to child, eats the rest

   [first day as an ambulance driver] ME: *crashes into a light pole* PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet