Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hate it when I'm at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.

   I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.

   If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that's not me.

   All I'm saying is never trust a towel that's not hanging in it's normal place when you get out of the shower...

   Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.

   No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ's face I don't think he's going to play them. Here come the police they'll help me

   Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: "Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?"

   My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.

   Found $20 in a parking lot and thought to myself What Would Jesus Do? So I took it and turned it into wine.

   Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn't really think your choice was excellent.

   Your proctologist called. He found your head.

   This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]

   My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on... I dont get women.

   I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.

   My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.

   Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?

   My drivers side window quit working. So I guess I'm on a diet.

   I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are

   Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.

   Trump is basically King Solomon, but stupid. He can’t think of a solution to the country’s problems, so he just divided it in two.