Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you think about it, James Earl Jones and Morgan Freeman tickling each other would pretty much be the greatest thing ever.

   If you can say "I made six figures last year," you either have a well paying job or you're the worst employee at a toy factory

   Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You're practically begging for typos.

   Before Drake started saying YOLO did you guys think you could live twice or something?

   I’m going to start wearing Summer’s Eve as a cologne. The vast majority of beautiful women seem to be attracted to doouches.

   It’s not really drinking alone if the dog is home.

   The only beachfront property I'll ever be able to afford is a sandcastle.

   The baby gets really annoyed when I try to undress him. He gets that from his mother.

   If you watch Godzilla vs King Kong backwards it's about two monsters who forget their differences and build a city.

   So, Trump says he's the second coming of Jesus. Cool, that won't make God angry one bit.

   me: my cup runneth over... sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.

   Did Bruno Mars catch that grenade? Haven't heard from him in a while...

   Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like a G.I. Joe action figure that has been put in the microwave on high for 20 minutes.

   How to discipline your child: 1. Politely ask them to stop. 2. Yell. 3. Yell louder. 4. Repeat yourself 74 times. 5. Give up and drink.

   Just curious, does the room spin in the opposite direction when you drink too much in South Africa?

   Thanks to me, you'll probably start seeing 'For Display Only' signs on the toilets at Home Depot.

   Wait, what if I'm allergic to Kleenex?

   It's not hotter this year. It's just that you are fatter and there is more surface area for the sun to hit.

   Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called "fun sized" should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.

   Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying "you know, the hot blond" is conducive to sofa sleeping.