Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.

   I do all of my ironing in the dryer.

   Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon [later] Wife: pass me the rock sample bags Me: I thought you brought them

   I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like. But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.

   Rectal Grease went and complained to HR and now we can't use nicknames at work anymore

   62% of marriage conversation is just spouses stating “I never said that.”

   Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.

   Im so good at procrastinating I always have something to look forward to!....

   Dudes who order boneless wings close the Fridge with their hips

   What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!” Wouldn’t t

   Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M's it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.

   Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on. Me: ok (later at home) Me, talking to my blunt: I'm sorry I called you fat.

   To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.

   Okay, I can't take it anymore. What in the heck holds the blocks up in Mario Brothers?

   I’m supporting our troops today by going commando.

   It's impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.

   Pro tip for picking up girls - keep your back straight and lift with your legs.

   I wonder if spiders get as ticked off as I do when I walk through their webs.

   My daughter has decided to become a vegetarian. I'm frying bacon.

   I just had a new winch installed on my boat. Ship just got reel.