Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   me: [using doggie poop bag at park] stranger: nice to see some common courtesy here for once me: yeah wouldn't want anyone to step in it stranger: what's your dog's name me: dog?

   Based on my Netflix recommendations I'm either a serial killer or chef

   Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving. Haha, just a little joke to get us started. Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.

   I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.

   Sex-ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching The Wiggles over and over..

   I dont know what it is about sex that has me panting afterwards. Maybe its the physical exertion, complex techniques, age... or could just be inflating the darn blow up doll every single time!

   I got called pretty today! Well actually the full statement was "you're pretty annoying!" But I only focus on positive things

   I don't keep in touch with my family very often. But when I do, I hear it on the Police Scanner.

   We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and facebook friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone. Orson Welles

   Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).

   Anyone who doesn't request unlimited salad and breadsticks as their last meal is an idiot

   I'm going to buy Greenland and Mexico will pay for it!!!

   You know you're old if you remember a time when the only thing you could do with a telephone was talk on it.

   I'm going bananas! *What I tell my bananas when I'm leaving the house.

   My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.

   People who give you their attention only when they're lonely or bored... No thank you. I already have a cat.

   Guy: I'm an organist Me: what you got against organs?

   Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it? Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”

   BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair* ME: perfect, thanks BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head* VOLDEMORT: yep, that's great

   Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts