Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.

   Someone greased my downward spiral.

   I've slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.

   me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into prison guard: no talking after lights out

   ‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’ - Christian Rock

   The key to any successful relationship is to prevent your partner from being carried away by a large bird

   Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory No weirdos

   Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran

   I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.

   Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.

   If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds...how did cockroaches get their name?

   I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia? She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you ... ”.

   For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.

   I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill

   I just observed a sign that said "How do nudists clean their glasses?" so there's that question to keep you up at night.

   *Eating my third bowl of ice cream* I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.

   Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.

   If you haven't met someone, don't despair. There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.

   Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it's so nice meeting people who don't care how they look

   craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too