Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   my body: please, eat something green me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*

   Researchers at the University of Minnesota say movie theater popcorn may cause memory loss. See, that explains why Hollywood keeps making the same movies over and over again.

   Police in Florida have arrested a man who said he finally achieved his goal of shoplifting in all 50 states. You know what you call someone who steals from all 50 states? Congressman.

   Daffy Duck calls the hotel desk & asks for a condom. They ask "Shall we put it on your bill?"...He says "Are you thupid! I'll thuffocate!"

   Trump has been under investigation for two years. None of his enemies has committed suicide.

   Why are all the porn sites down at the same time? What am I suppose to do now, my job?

   Police in Florida have arrested a man who said he finally achieved his goal of shoplifting in all 50 states. You know what you call someone who steals from all 50 states? Current president.

   The Dow Jones is way down. Yay, I'm so happy!

   Pavlov’s hair wasn’t always silky. He had to condition it.

   Sex-ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching The Wiggles on repeat.

   Does Chewbacca have 2 nipples like a human or two rows of them like an dog??

   I hope the aliens from Area 51 don't escape. I don't want to pay for their healthcare too.

   I hope the below pays tens of thousands of dollars on healthcare since he thinks he's a big man, paying full price for his healthcare.

   Yesssssss!!!!! A recession is coming!!!! This is the greatest day of my life!

   There are still areas in the Middle East without peace and where women don’t have equal rights. I was certain Jared and Ivanka would have fixed that by now.

   And his opponent, coming down the aisle, from Sheffield, Alabama, weighing 180 lbs, he is Moscow Mitch McConnell!

   I’m not a vegetarian but I eat animals who are.

   I wonder if my dog always follows me into the bathroom when I have to go potty because I always follow him outside when he does and he just thinks that’s how it works

   With all the technology today, how is it possible that the "mullets make you look like a total tool" message has not made it to all people?

   My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me. If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.