Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just want to be as happy as the characters in any horror movie are during the first half hour of the film.

   I have decided who I'm going to vote which is, none of facebook's damn business.

   Taking a dog named "Shark" to the beach is a very bad idea.

   I asked my wife why she married me. She said “Because you are funny.” I said “I thought it was because I was good in bed.” She said “See? You’re hilarious!” FML

   I don't know about you, but I love paying $1,600 on an iPhone. Thank you, who ever is in charge.

   The Dentist said I need a crown. Finally someone who understands me!

   Any pencil can be a number two pencil if you eat it..

   Uber, but they come and pick up people that don’t stop talking

   Netflix is raising their rates again, as if we weren't paying enough to endlessly scroll their menu finding nothing good to watch.

   I'm aware that Flesh-Eating Bacteria is terrible, but if anyone knows of a Fat-Eating bacteria I'm all ears.

   If I got attacked by a bunch of homeless people I think I would really be bummed.

   He says the mentally I'll shouldn't have access to guns, yet he literally repealed the law that blocked their access to guns his first month in office.

   Sorry I’m late, I was busy proving my existence to an automatic faucet again.

   I just picked a crumb off my shirt to eat, but it was a fuzz. I chewed it for about 13 seconds before I realized it wasn’t food. My cry for help is almost complete.

   He has so much thoughts and prayers to offer, he offered them to the wrong city. Best entertaining two and a half years so far!

   Gotta laugh at Wheezy Joe Biden...offers condolences to the wrong city AND state last night...wake up Joe!

   every toddler is just a mini version of Jack Skellington... "what's this, what's this"

   My dogs are great as I can always count on them to alert me of danger outside.....and my neighbors coming home, squirrels passing by, the garbage truck in the morning, when the mail man comes and sudden gusts of wind.

   MTV turned 38 years old today so lets celebrate 18 years of music.

   A stranger phoned me last night asking me to meet him in the woods because he wanted to see my junk. The weirdo never showed up.