Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why storm Area 51 at all? Just dress up like an ailen and wander around outside the fence. They'll catch you and take you inside.

   Recently I've been reading the book of Jeremiah, because not only was he a bullfrog, he was a good friend of mine as well.

   Just a motivational facebook post to myself to help me be more productive today - Log Out.

   Lower my gluten intake the doctor said. Over my bread body!

   When you realize that Strap-On is No Parts spelled backwards.

   If you puncture a hole in a garbage bag in order to roll down your window, you might be a redneck

   have you noticed ..not a single girl used face app

   If your ever wondering who your real friends are on facebook just delete your account and see who calls.

   When I woke up this morning my wife said "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."

   Trying a store brand version of Frosted Flakes which I just have to say are GRRRRRRRRRoss!

   Ironically, the mullet was probably created to STOP necks from getting red.

   What happens when you throw a Finnish sailor overboard? Helsinki

   When an object is not symmetrical, it is called asymmetrical. When an organism doesn't use sex to reproduce, it is classified as asexual. So therefore, my conclusion is if a person doesn't have a soul, they are an asoul.

   Wonder how there could be a Facebook group on Facebook calledFacebookers Anonymous which must be like trying to hold his successful AA meeting in a bar.

   I'm not reading between the lines, I'm reading the lines.

   When I was a kid, we used to call tobacco stores and ask "Do you have Prince Albert in a can?" And when they said "Yes we do" we'd say "Well why don't you let him out!?"

   Can I lick the beater? Is what I ask when my wife is giving me a hand job.

   There's a good NOVA documentary on Netflix about black holes that will just suck you in.

   It's strange that it's socially acceptable for me to get into a swimming pool with a complete stranger but when I do the same thing in a bathtub, all of a sudden I'm "under arrest".

   my dr says to eat a piece of meat no bigger than the palm of my hand...good thing the Big Mac is stacked