Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We lost our moon to Mars? This is so saddening.

   someone needs to make a cereal that's in the shape of little cows...when you add the milk, you're milking the cows

   The Golden State Warriors are losing the NBA championship on purpose because they don't want to visit the White House.

   My wife thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it's cause I'm afraid she might try to poison me.

   Nothing you can ever accomplish will make your parents any happier than the first time you slept through the night.

   Doctor's orders say at least 30 crunches a day....That's an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot.

   Ever notice that Naps are tricky because you either wake up refreshed and relaxed or you have a headache, dry throat, drooling, or unaware of what year you’re in.

   A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking. Am I a stalker?

   Happy birthday to Ed Lowe, the man who invented Kitty Litter. Here's what I admire about Ed Lowe. Here was a guy who was thinking inside the box.

   Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”

   [training the new person at work] Them: so you do this everyday? Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes

   My Wife just told me to take my phone and stick it where the sun don't shine. So I just booked a $553 flight to Seattle. Women make no sense some days.

   The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued. Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.

   Billion dollar Idea: Pepperoni staples for when the cheese keeps sliding off your pizza

   This morning My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

   Bob Seger is a much improved chess player. He's been workin' on his knight moves.

   Disneyland prices are now well over $100 a person, maybe now they'll buy Donald Duck some pants.

   I like my coffee black just like my sabbath

   How to cook the perfect amount of spaghetti: Step 1. Remove from box how much you think you need. Step 2. Eliminate half the amount you thought you needed. Step 3. Invite a friend over for spaghetti if you want to skip step 2

   I'm the kind of egomaniac who would walk out of an Olive Garden, bragging that I negotiated endless breadsticks into the price of the meal.