Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I tried to order plain Jello at a restaurant and it was fruitless.

   I only buy extra virgin olive oil...Because I don't know where those other oils have been.

   Yeah, I've always heard of it, and the young and old, but the fact is that we have to be awake for a few days ago by the end of the season.

   brb getting down to business to defeat the Huns

   May the 4th be with you all today.

   How can someone support anyone who ONLY supports the far-right?

   If any part of your life is "ultra", I don't have the energy to be friends with you...

   The number of hobbies a man has is directly proportionate to how cray his wife is...

   Only supporting the far-rights isn't uniting people. Just saying.

   please don't be laundry in here, please don't be laundry in here, please don't be laundry in here... -me opening the dryer

   This is your yearly reminder to not put bananas in fruit salads

   I wish my car's back-up camera had a "Save" button, because some of the expressions on their faces.

   Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White and Keith Richards when we’re gone.

   I'm no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.

   The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.

   I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.

   If my dog has taught me anything it's if you're tired just lie down anywhere

   Countless individuals over the last 80 years have spent millions of hours on the development of the electronic computer. All so that I can sit at my desk yelling "Hurry up you stupid piece of crap!"

   There's probably an employee named Jake who works at State Farm, who's had it with people's jokes and is about to go postal.

   I wish life was like a hockey game. I'd gladly spend five minutes in the penalty box for beating the snot out of someone who pissed me off.