Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bank Teller: "Sir, your account is overdrawn." Me: "So are your eyebrows, but you made it work, didn't you?"

   Devil worshipers crack me up. Why would you worship a diety that lost a fiddle contest to some Georgia hillbilly?

   Sorry I can never be serous on facebook as it's just a website that shouldn't be taken too seriously. Like seriously.

   As a parent my diet over the year has primarily consisted of all the food my kids have left on their plates.

   Dear Netflix, I like the foreign movies you play but nein sprechen sie Deutsch, so please stop playing one's without subtitles I don't understand. Thanks

   No one hits me with an egg and gets away with it!

   To celebrate St Patrick's Day, I think I'll go to my favorite Irish restaurant. McDonalds.

   I'm Irish for a day.

   Mmmmmm, I want some hamberders.

   ‪I need a tax person who’s not afraid of prison. ‬

   I'm holding a Twitter conspiracy meeting tonight. Don't tell Devin.

   Cop: Sir,do I have your permission to search your vehicle ? Me: If I say no,will you bring the K-9 unit out ? Cop: Yes ! Me: Can I pet the dog ?

   My noise reduction feature on my new hearing aid dosen't work..... I can still hear my wife yapping.

   I put my fitbit on the refrigerator handle. Amazing, my daily activity has increased 10 fold....that's the ticket....

   What's the dumbest thing you ever believed as a child? That people above 18 years of age are automatically adults.

   Just so everybody's clear, I'm going to put my glasses on.

   Life lesson 249: A short temper is not a sign of strength.

   My wife asked me "What was the last movie you watched that made you cry?" "Our wedding video." was not the right answer.

   Beto is like the guy that gets cut from the High School football team and says now he's going to join the NFL

   Uh oh. My car's GPS asked me, "Who's Siri?"