Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Coldest winter weather in recorded history. In two short years the President has fixed global warming.

   some days you're the statue, some days you're the pigeon

   If your single and starting to feel a little blue about the coming Valentines day to make you feel better just remember that Saint Valentine was imprisoned then beaten to death with a club and candy and cakes will be 50% off the day after 😊

   People cheating on their taxes disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 23 dependents in...

   it just me, or does anybody else start singing The Clash when you see the "Lock the taskbar" command on your desktop?

   I like to plan ahead so I bought the Hubby his Valentine's Day candy early and hiding it. In other words, I just bought me some candy.

   It seems only yesterday, my dear old mum telling me to wash my food before eating it! A lovely woman, but terrible sandwiches!

   The downside of fame! I can't walk out of a nice restaurant without immediately being harassed and hounded by a waiter waving a bill?

   Because of Shania Twain I haven't been impressed much since 1997.

   I cant make it into work because I overslept because I didn't set my alarm because I knew I would like going to work.

   I like to play this game called nap roulette...It's where I take a nap but don't set an alarm. Will it be a 30 min nap? Will it be a 4 hour nap? Will I wake up tomorrow? Nobody knows. But it's risky. And I like it

   I survived the polar vortex like some kind of post apocalyptic warrior.

   I was waiting for a call last night so I put my phone under my pillow, woke up this morning - phone was gone and $1 was in its place...damn tooth fairy....

   I'm back when penny candy was a penny years old.

   Mueler's Russian roundup may soon come to an end.

   Today is a sad day. The man who invented autocorrect pissed away in his sleep last night.

   I'll be taking a knee at my Superbowl party in protest of white supremacy and police brutality.

   Throwing away a good relationship because of problems that can be worked out, is like throwing away a new car because of a flat tire...

   DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman. Everyone knows that.

   Just accidentally took a drink out of someone else’s glass, tell my mom I loved her