Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I noticed that the killer crocodile had an 80s dude on his shirt pocket!

   I thought 23 & me was a doumentary about Michael Jordan spending time with an old lady.

   If there are no snacks, don’t even bother inviting me to your orgy.

   Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.

   My new coffee mug now says "Don't even talk to me until I've had my paycheck".

   Here's an idea. How about if every person who doesn't want a wall will have to pay a fine? Sort of like Obamacare.

   I guess border wall funding wasn't a priority when we had a working gov't and a Rep Congress the last 2 years...

   OK. What genius decided to call it Erectile Dysfunction and not Ballzheimer's?

   Thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today, then realized it said "THICK CUT"

   When I'm grilling a stake, the smell of the juices makes my mouth water. Wonder if that happens when a vegan mows their lawn.

   Silence is golden. Unless you have teenagers. Then it becomes suspicious.

   I'm pretty sure the hotel receptionist was checking me out!

   So if no one posted pictures of the lunar eclipse for friends who don't look up from their phones did it really happen?

   "you da bomb" - " No you da bomb" In America - a compliment. In the middle East - an argument.

   If you didn't participate in the 10 year challenge. Then you have a PhD in maturity

   sure your baby is cute and all but what does it do?

   Gave up alcohol and coffee the past 2 weeks and was rewarded with a cold. So much for healthy choices 👎🏻

   An orgy but it’s just me eating 5 different bags of chips at once.

   At my age, safe sex means only sleeping with women who know CPR.

   For Sale. Slightly used Christmas tree. Price negotiable. Can pick up in front of neighbor's house.