Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have never met a baby named Gary. It’s like they just start life at 30 years old.

   Ladies, your man can’t complain about your excessive shopping habit if he has your tit in his mouth.

   Barbie sure has a lot of nice things for a woman whose knees don't bend.

   Got my ancestry DNA results back. It seems I related to Adam and Eve.

   Trump being re-elected is as likely as Ken and Barbie doing the wild thing.

   The worlds greatest marionette is Putin. He has Trump as a puppet and I can’t even see the strings.

   To MacKenzie Bezos: 'sup, girl?

   now officially talking to myself but somehow I hear busy signals in my ears. I wonder if I can get call waiting?? Wait... Maybe its better I dont answer myself.

   Eating clean means I just took a shower and I'm heading to McDonald's..

   Wouldn't it be nice to have the wisdom of a 90 year old, the body of a 20 year old, and the energy of a 5 year old.

   My mother in-law is so ugly, even a boiling tea kettle won't give her a whistle.

   I spent the last night defrosting the fridge. Or, Foreplay as she calls it.

   The rich man glories in his greed; the humble man feeds hundreds and stays silent.

   Y’all ever inhale a dog's fart and think “this is it, this is how I die.”

   I work in Customer Service because I'm really good at apologizing for things that aren't my fault.

   Being an adult is eating the crust not because you like it, but because you paid for it.

   I don't rise and shine, the best I can do is get up and gripe.

   When I was a kid, the only password you had to remember was the one that got you into the treehouse.

   [Returning a mattress] ME: Yes, I was told this was king size, but my child is 3 feet tall and somehow takes up all of it.

   A wheel works. A wall works. To bad you don't work.