Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sure hope this episode of “Celebrity President” ends soon.

   Apparently bumblebees don't want you to pet them.

   I prefer a woman to not have six pack abs. I also prefer a woman to not prefer that I have them either.

   Build the wall out of solar panels. Make God pay for it.

   CNN BREAKING NEWS: Due to Government Shutdown, all the aliens in Area 51 have been released..

   Still waiting on the "Once you go black, you never go back" episode of Mythbusters.

   I started a support group for men with erectile dysfuntion. It was a flop and nobody came.

   How long do you have to be ignorant before you start experiencing bliss ?

   A new study found that ESP could actually be real. I read about it in tomorrow’s paper.

   A 99-year-old guy and his 96-year-old wife getting divorced. They never got along and people kept saying, “Why did you wait so long to get a divorce?” And they said, “We want to wait until the kids were dead.”

   Euthanasia is OK, but most people can live without it.

   Forget the wall Trump wants us to pay for. WTF is he doing about Nickleback?

   I still don't know why Microsoft put a talking paper clip in Microsoft Office instead of a talking ink pen they could call your "pen pal"

   I got gas for $2 a gallon which was cheaper than getting it at Taco Bell.

   The counter lady at Mcdonalds was American. I said "You are the only one that understands me"

   I don't care about the shutdown affecting the parks and monuments. But I draw the line when it effect my beer.

   I’ve realized that the penguin may be the only animal on earth that falls over more than I do

   Every time I go to Taco Bell I get diarrhea. Perhaps next time, I should get tacos.

   She blinded me with science! Well, Chemistry... Mace. It was mace.

   "If you are under investigation by the FBI. you should not be president -Donald Trump 7/14/16