Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Growing up, all I wanted was Girls Gone Wild. As an adult, I ended up with Bills Gone Wild

   Bad part about being a bomb disposal technician..... It takes me 6 hours to open my Christmas presents.

   I’m going to write a modern Christmas song called “baby is cold outside” it’s the story of a woman arguing with her husband about the thermostat

   The first thing a man looks at in a woman is her heart. The fact that her boobs are in front of her heart is not our fault.

   When people say "Are you ready for Christmas?" I say "I'm ready for it to be over.

   I’d like to see a commercial where the wife receives a brand new Lexus on Christmas morning and the she turns to her husband and says "You idiot! WTF is the matter with you? We can’t afford a Lexus!"

   So what are we being offended by today? Sorry I missed the morning briefing.

   You need XX chromosomes to be a female of any species. Miss Spain has XY chromosomes which makes him a male. No surgery or cosmetics can change that fact.

   I'm a good person. That's why I don't talk to many people. Too good for them.

   Crap, I bought a non-shtick pan. Now it does not like my jokes.

   In China, an animal trainer taught his monkeys Kung fu — and then they attacked him using his best kung fu moves. Luckily, they were no match for the parrot he’d taught to fire a gun.

   If you touch your phone in all the right places a pizza will arrive at your door.

   By my calculations, the entire national debt could be retired, if the impeachment trial was Pay-Per-View. 🧐

   An easy way to tell people you don't like them is to send them a Xmas card with glitter on it.

   Dear future musicians of the world. Just because you can push a button with a drum sound does NOT make you a musician. People used to actually play their instruments.

   When I was a kid I used to have an imaginary friend, but now thanks to Facebook I have hundreds of them!

   1f y0u c4n r34d 7H15 7h3n c0n6r47ul4710n5! Y0u h4v3 D3pr35510n

   Don't tell me what type of pill it is. I like to be surprised.

   I’m Southern, but not monogram my vibrator, Southern.

   Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet. My 4 y/o: I don't have any other feet.