Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wait till they realize that Frosty has no pants and smokes a pipe in front of children.

   My children want a cat for Christmas ... Normally I do a turkey but hey, if it can make them happy!

   Alexa, clean up my act!

   I have a moral compass, but it always seems to point south.

   "Baby it's cold outside" is bad because it's about a guy is trying to get laid. "Santa Baby" is ok because it's about a girl trying to screw Santa. Got it.

   I believe in Santa! but I'm not so sure if he believes in me?

   Ladies, stop waiting for a man to sweep you off your feet. Sweeping is your job.

   I need a vacation that I may or may not ever come back from.

   Gas is $2.20 I dont know when the last time I pumped gas with no hands

   Somebody told me I should join Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) in 2019. I said, naw. That's for quitters

   My grandfather use to say "Don't believe everything you hear." which was good advice...... Or was it ?

   Three things I'm grateful for, 1. Family 2. Friends 3. Caller ID to advoid family and friends.

   "This wall thing.... It's like a manhood thing with him.... as if manhood can be associated with him." Nancy Pelosi

   Why do we say that an alarm clock is going off when really it's coming on?

   Its beginning to look a lot like, I'm starting to get sick and tiered of it being cold and miserable out and I'm ready for summer!

   I'm ready for summer!

   "So this is Christmas, and what have you done?" The start of a John Lennon song, or the wife about to start an argument?

   Do bone spurs keep someone out of jail? I'm asking for a friend.

   FOUR STAGES OF A MANS LIFE : 1. You believe in santa. 2. You don't believe in santa. 3. You are santa. 4. You look like santa.

   Place aluminum foil in a paper shredder ... BOOM TINSEL !!