Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Turning on your lights and sirens after losing a drag race is just poor sportsmanship

   2011 - "50 Shades of Gray" sells 125 million copies. 2018 - "Baby, It's Cold Outside" is offensive.

   There are four stages of life: 1) You believe in Santa Claus 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus 3) You are Santa Claus 4) You look like Santa Claus

   Bakers, your technical challenge for today will be the classic American style marijuana brownie. Paul would like for you to each bake 96 dozen and they must look good!

   I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

   A Facebook stranger doesn’t like my opinion. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time. 😂

   ... Isn't it nice to know that anyone can grow up and become "individual 1."

   "Wow, Santa! Have you lost some weight? And have you been working out? I can sure tell...Because you look great for your age!" Rudolph The Brown Nose Reindeer

   It took just one week for a $1 trillion wipeout in U.S. stocks. Winning?

   Going to the army navy game doesn't count as visting the troops.

   [first day as a 911 operator] me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency

   I have decided to host the Oscars

   "did I catch you at a bad time?" "yeah, I'm awake and sober"

   Welcome to your 40s. Drugs are no longer just for fun, they’re medicine now

   "Oh wow, someone sent me a fruitcake. I'm going to eat it right now!" said no one ever.

   I have all the world's knowledge at the very tips of my fingers where I can find the answers to life's most perplexing questions! and here I am googleing What did Oscar the Grouch do if he overslept on trash day?

   Some girl just asked me out, well she actually told me to get out of my store, but I know what she really meant

   So how did Amish.com happen?

   Just so we're clear, the Grinch never really hated Christmas. He hated people which is perfectly understandable.

   Kevin McCallister's parents has to be the most dimwitted parents ever not to realize that Buzz is the cause of their family's problems.