Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It’s hard to stay humble when someone’s dog chooses you over them.

   I'm throwing in the white flag, I can't take anymore of this "winning".

   Moving is so fun, finally found this chloroform, hey does it taste expired to y....

   You buy ready made chocolate milk? Well, aren't you just some kind of titan of finance?

   5 year plan? I havent even planned this sentence volcano.

   I like robo calls. I get to make up new cuss words.

   Dec.05 Repeal of prohbition day..... I'll drink to that.

   The subtle art of knowing better but doing it anyway.

   Do people still say Okie Dokie or is it just me?? 🤔🤔🤔

   If I were any more hungry right now, Madonna would adopt me!

   Successfully "lands" a water bottle flip 3 out of 5 attempts. 0-998 in making his socks to the dirty clothes basket.

   wife hoping for a normal day: good morning me: I'm gonna try to become left handed

   A Nightmare on Elm Street is a Christmas movie. Freddy wears a red and green sweater, and gives parents the gift of taking away their crippling financial burden.

   In 1984 a light aircraft killed a jogger while making an emergency landing on a South Carolina beach.. which is why I don't jog!!

   I know winter has started when my neighbor returns my rake, and borrows my snow shovel .

   I had fifty bucks tattooed on my "member". So the next time my wife wants to go out and blow fifty bucks, she can stay home and do it.

   Finally fixed the volume on my phone so I can't hear the other person talking.

   I went to my girlfriend’s funeral today..and met her parents for the first time! What a pair of miserable folks!

   "Wow, this robo-call is really interesting. I'm going to listen to the whole thing!" said no one ever.

   Just for the record: If your single and planning on asking me out this close to Christmas the only thing you'll be getting from me is a book, which will be do back at the libary just after the new years.