Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do saudis wear a pizza tablecloth on their heads?

   A man in a bar sees a fat girl dancing on a table. He says to her, "nice legs." She says "you realy think so?" The man says "oh yeah, most tables would have collapsed by now."

   Maybe I talk to myself because I'm my own therapist

   Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.

   I talk a lot about sex for someone who doesn’t remember it.

   What if we boil the lettuce first?

   Establish dominance by waiting until your wife serves the turkey and then tell her you already ate.

   I don't usually cook... does anyone know how much vodka to put into mashed potatoes

   Guess it's time to throw out the leftovers from last Thanksgiving...

   Everyone romaine calm and lettuce pray.

   If I get addicted to eating cold turkey, idk how i'm going to quit

   Some people are like that annoying advert that suddenly cuts in the middle of a viral video.

   I think some of my friend's have substituted their prescription meds with Facebook to feel thankful during the holiday seasons.

   Girlfriend asked me to come to her place for a Black Friday special. All clothes were 100% off.

   Get your copy of "Who's Boat is this Boat" today!

   They say a man's "member" can be gauged by the size of their feet. That maybe why my sister dates clowns.

   It’s not unusual to get Tom Jones songs stuck in your head.

   my dad calls me BJ because that's all I was ever supposed to be :(

   Research has suggested that the internet has made us less intelligent and less patient. I don't understand that so I'm moving on.

   Good cooks don’t bake pies that taste like scented candles. cc: Darlene Van Der Pooten