Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some recipes are like science fiction. I read to the end and think "Well, that's not going to happen."

   Thanks to synonyms, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned," and "Sorry Daddy, I've been naughty," both mean the same thing.

   If laziness was an Olympic sport, I would want to come in Fourth so I wouldn't have to walk up to the podium.

   When you use the self-service checkout lanes at Wal-mart, you should get a discount like you do when you buy self-service gasoline.

   Airport security asked me if I'd seen anything unusual. Well, I just paid eighteen dollars for a turkey sandwich and a bottle of beer, let's start with that.

   In a world where you can do anything, do it over there.

   . Fun fact Smokey the bear's original name was Hotfoot Teddy.

   When my wife is angry with me, she'll not only stops talking to me, she'll also send me blank tex messages.

   I'm working hard to become free... I'm over half way through my Halloween candy already.

   I think some of my friends are completely irrational and make bad decisions, and we should hang out more.

   And remember kids...it's on Facebook so it must be true!

   Don't believe your eyes or military satellite photos. Just blindly believe what a guy tells you. If you do, then please contact me so I can sell you shares in my unicorn ranch.

   Aliens probably lock their doors when they ride past earth.

   I'm assuming lube is for people who can't spit.

   Good news for insomniacs! Only 2 more sleeps to Christmas!

   Sorry you brought logic to a wife fight

   If people would just give ugly people a chance and date them too, catfishing wouldn't be a thing.

   How do you tell someone you love them without them making it weird that you're under their bed

   In Florida we get "I'm still voting" stickers.

   Are self driving cars the brothel of the future?