Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Will I be able to enjoy A Star is Born if I haven't seen the other Bourne movies?

   I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. "My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl."

   I'd just like to congratulate the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table! They're basically everywhere now!

   Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)

   . Will space aliens be ask to pay for space force?

   . If rocks are to be considered as rifels. Does that mean rock beats paper?

   PSA: It is possible to vote then not post about it.

   There is no such thing as a stupid question except maybe "Isn't about time you IRS guys audited my return?"

   I misunderstood the nighborhood MILF when she told me she was heading to the polls. I didn't see her grinding at the strip club.

   Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you don't know the man & he doesn't know you're eating his popcorn

   Some people should use a glue stick instead of chap stick.

   If I voted and didn’t take a picture, did I really vote?

   I went to Disneyland once. It seemed like kind of a Mickey Mouse operation.

   I told someone that Kansas was dead to me. His reply was 'did it drop another house on your sister'?

   . just like Ty-D-Bol, the blue wave will wash all the crap away.

   Untill I got married, I never knew there was a wrong way to put the milk back into the fridge.

   Guys the secret to a happy marriage...... "Honey, you're absolutely right."

   Why do baby clothes have pockets ?

   The secret to a happy marriage.... Jack Daniels on the rocks

   the dentist says I need a crown. I'm like "I know, right? "