Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.

   Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?

   You can't out run the law. A Chehalis Washington judge removes robe and gave chase and captured two handcuffed prisoners that fled his court room.

   Do paranoid schizophrenic agnostic dyslexic insomniacs lie awake at night wondering if they might be the dog that’s out to get them?

   Did you hear about the Egyptian King that went to College and studied plumbing.. graduated a Pharaoh faucet Major.

   Oregon Trail was the only game that made dying of dysentery hilarious.

   Today's tip of the Day: When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

   Do you ever look through old pictures and wonder, “Where the hell did that shirt go?”

   I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task.

   Kissing is weird. At some point, multiple cultures independently came to the conclusion that wanting to lick the inside of somebody's mouth shouldn't be exclusive to dogs.

   Imagine the disappointment if a wolf knew it’s descendant would be a pug. That’s how your grandpa feels when he sees your man bun.

   Why does a flamingo lift one leg? Because if it lifted both, it would fall over.

   If you're born in November, your parents probablity had a fun Valentine's day.

   When I'm not sleepy, I listen to some Chris Brown. That knocks me out right away.

   Sometimes I put my car in neutral at stoplights and roll back a little so people will think I drive a manual...

   Lyft and Uber will have you outside, looking like a prostitute. My goodness..

   "The New York marathon was found to be a more efficient way to get around the city."

   "Wisdom doesn't come from age, wisdom comes from the things that you srewed up in your life."

   I think I turned back my clock way too much I just saw a guy with a mullet at Starbucks.

   Daylight savings is great because we gain an hour of trying to figure out what time it is.