Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Red sox clinch world series. L.A. Dodgers won't have to go to white house. So who's the real winner?

   I had to quit drinking caffeine on DOCTOR'S orders and Alcohol on COURT orders.

   Best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their Halloween candy.

   I finally finished my 2017 Thanksgiving leftovers. And in 22 days, it starts all over again.

   It should be a Thanksgiving tradition that one of the football games be the Patriots vs the Redskins.

   the world that tramp lives in any wheres near the land of OZ?

   Lou Dobbs, where is Whakhulaaaah Mexico?

   Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up

   My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?

   Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.

   : [zoo] cop: what happened here? boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon

   Me: Garçon! l'll have your finest bar of xanax and be quick with it! My pharmacist: get out

   ME: [bird watching] PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.

   My husband knew he couldn't scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.

   [first trip on a cruise liner] CAPTAIN: welcome! only rule here is: loose lips sink ships ME: {throws Mick Jagger overboard}

   My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.

   If they criticize your driving, look them straight in the eye while you turn their airbag off.

   I wonder if the guy who coined the term "One Hit Wonder" came up with any other phrases.

   I've reached the age where I meet a person I would consider "older" and then find out they're the same age as me.

   I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl