Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   First rule of Fight Club: Never hold it at a Saudi Arabian Embassy!

   The circumference of a pumpkin divided by it's diameter = pumpkin pi...

   Her: "Let's watch a good horror movie tonight!" Me: "OK!" **Breaks out wedding video** And that's when the fight started...

   instead of talking about who people whould vote for, maybe gef off social media and actually go put and vote if you want change

   Q: What do "Deadliest Catch" and "Jersey Shore" have in common? A: They're two reality TV shows about catching crabs.

   What's trump's favorite cereal? Cheeri O's, the cereal made for little hands.

   Drink beer while you can still afford it.

   My Girlfriend says our sex-life is so bad because I get so easily distracted? Ah well!..back to it I suppose!

   If I had a pet unicorn, I'd probably just use it to carry my donuts around.

   I can feel my gut hanging out of my t-shirt but it's hidden by my hoodie so basically my secret identity is Winnie the Pooh.

   KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal Me: Family?

   I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I've been on in 4 years.

   Canadian cattle can now legally graze on cannabis plants. The steaks have never been higher.

   “Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada

   this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed dummycrat loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great

   him: you’re not like other girls me, at the urinal next to him: how

   “Did you just walk past my house, you piece of sheet?” - dogs

   When I try on an outfit and it doesn't make me look good, I just throw it on the floor. Like, No, you don't deserve to be hung up, sit there and think about what you've done.

   Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish. Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.

   I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”