Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why did Adam and Eve have the perfect marriage?..... Because neither one of them had a mother in-law.

   My Bank Account probabbly thinks I am Dead 😢

   Whenever I ride on an enclosed water slide I can't help but wonder if this is what it would feel like to be flushed down the toilet

   Having a child is like having a little broke ass best friend!

   Whenever someone says, "I think of you as family," I always assume they're gonna start screaming at me for something that happened 20-30 years ago...

   Note to our friends from the south ,The Canadian Word EH! has been replaced with WAH ? Stay stoned my friends .

   You've already put up your Christmas tree? That's nothing. I'm already drunk for St. Patrick's Day.

   If you sit on the toilet at 1159pm and the clock strikes midnight, it is the same crap different day.

   well, well, well, if it isn't the consequences of my own actions

   If you feel "blessed" because you have a lot of stuff, you obviously don't understand the meaning of "blessed."

   Rihanna turned down an opportunity to headline the halftime show at #SuperBowlLIII how ever they can still broadcast it on her forehead

   I often get a "yes" from women, but it's usually followed by, "that's him officer"

   I like when people call me "Sir." I just wish they wouldn't follow it up with "You're making a scene."

   I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”

   Come on people, does your vote really count? Or is it just a big con?

   The guy in charge of running the election (kemp) in Georgia is also running in the Georgia election. Mmmm I wonder who will win ?

   Bet if the block voters wore MAGA hats, they would not of had a problem registering to vote.

   I just bought a new Jeep. I named it Elizabeth Warren because it's all white yet says it's a Cherokee.

   The key to success is concentration, a skill which can be learned with - oh wow, that cloud looks like Snoopy!

   There is strength in loyalty; not in numbers.