Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Paintball is so much more fun when the other people at Wal-mart don't I'm playing.

   The lack of hair is the main cause of baldness.

   Real life friends? In this economy??

   Not to brag but you’ll never have to tell me to slow down.

   Five minutes into a jog, I convince myself that my personality is enough and jog into a McDonalds

   Business in the front, party in the back! Linda’s Accounting And Brothel Services.

   What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet? I asked my 26 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.

   Building a treehouse is the biggest insult to a tree. "I killed your friend. Here, hold him."

   What if... what if dogs love us so much because they know we're made of bones.

   You can say "Have a nice day!" with no problem but you can't say "Enjoy the next 24 hours." without sounding mildly threatening.

   Autocorrect can be your best friend or your worst enema.

   If you leave a cupcake out long enough, it just becomes a cookie

   Life consists of avoiding people you have seen naked, while trying to find new people to see naked?

   The weather temperature when from 90 to 55 like it saw a State Trooper.

   I can't believe that Ariana and Pete broke up! And also that worldwide climate catastrophe is imminent!

   Ice bank mice elf.. say it real fast 10X

   What's all this fuss about gay rights? I'm pretty sure there are a lot more gay lefts out there...

   Using my feet to lift toilet seats or push the flush handle at public restrooms has helped hone my ninja like skills.

   Having some memory problems? Should we call for a doctor?

   Don't accept any friend requests from Taco Bell.. they're nacho friends